Whiter than Snow – Grace and a clean heart

This week’s reading hits on the primary question I’ve been dealing with over the last nine years, my heart. I’ve had a heart problem for far longer than that, but only in the last nine years have I been aware of it. Psalm 139 speaks to the issue:

Psalm 139:23-24 (The Message) Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.

This is an open ended invitation from David to God to tell him what God already knows, the condition of David’s heart. I did as David did and this same prayer came out of my lips as an open invitation to God to show me where my heart was off center. At the time, I had no clue there was a problem. There was though and the last nine years of my life have been a difficult journey to learn what God already knew. This has been a good journey although it has not always been smooth!

Fast-forward to today. After nine years on “heart highway”, what does the view look like? Well it isn’t a full field of wheat. Yet it's not a moonscape either. I’m thinking it doesn’t look like a field at all. Perhaps that’s one of the error’s I’ve made along the way is to look at my heart like a field. I’m from Indiana and when you say field, I get a specific picture in my mind. The problem with my picture is my heart isn’t like that. The cornfields I am thinking of were consistent throughout. There was always seasonal growth, but the entire field was in the same stage of growth. The corn may not be fully mature, but every stalk in the field was in the same stage of growth. Not so with my heart. My heart is a field of pockets of growth. Some pockets are fully mature and others are a mass of weeds. Other pockets are in some recognizable stage of growth while some are unrecognizable. Such is the view of my heart today.

The primary question that arises for me is simple. What happens to your heart when you become a Christian?

Second Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

What is Paul talking about? My heart isn’t new, its not the same as it was, but it’s not new either and neither has the old passed away as we can all testify to. It stubbornly hangs around and makes life miserable at times. At times I win, at times I lose and at times I take a “Walk” and get a free pass. I understand the new creation. I have experienced that. What about my heart? Why is the garbage still there? Has there been something I should have done but didn’t do? What is the deal here?

I don’t know the answer to the question or I would tell you. I have experienced growth in my life and changes. Yet when I see what’s left I cringe.

As the old hymn states: My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and HIS righteousness! I don’t know the answer to the question and may never know. That’s ok … (I think).

Lord: When I see what’s left to be done, don’t let me fall into despair but to trust in you and your Word trusting only in your righteousness.

Heart of Stone

The subject of a hard heart is one I know about. The heart of stone is something I’ve struggled with all of my adult life. How does one go about breaking down a heart of stone?

In 1998 Benji Clark Mallory spoke at our church and gave everyone in the congregation a specific word from the Lord. It was a one in a lifetime experience for me. Here was a women I knew nothing about. She stood in front of me, looked me in the eye and began to “read my mail”. She spoke as if she had known me all my life. One of the things she spoke of was a hard heart. “God has given you a caring heart. You are compassionate and loving.” While Benji spoke of other things, this one thing has been a focal point for me over the years.

How does a heart of stone manifest itself in a person? In my case it was several areas. One area was for those who were less fortunate than I was. I would give money to causes but I had a rather superior attitude towards those who were unable to do the things I could do. This was especially true with homeless people. I had no use for people who would hold signs that say “will work for food.” They wouldn’t work for food, I tried to get them jobs but they wouldn’t take them. So I blew them off whenever they approached me.

A hard heart is an attitude that permeates everything you do. There is no compassion at work. If you were assigned a task and failed, you failed. There is no gray area. You either did or you didn’t. There were no excuses. Sports was the same way. You either won or you didn’t. There is no gray area. I took this attitude into my personal relationships. I had no tolerance for people and their foibles. I was not a nice person. I have no clue how or why my wife has stayed with me for as long as she has. As I look back, I was an intolerant person that was a bear to be around most of the time.

People that struggled with addictions was another place I was very critical. Personal relationships was another sore point for me. I was always ready to blow people off at a drop of the hat. “Well get over it” I would say when people had a problem they couldn’t deal with.

One area that was particularly difficult for me was children. I had no use for them. I didn’t like them, want them or want to be around them. I had no use for children. The where and why’s of this particular issue are being dealt with even as we speak (thank God for Angel Davis). Let’s just say my hard heart had no place for children.

I don’t know when I noticed a personal change. Benji announced it to the world before I knew anything about it. I guess it was like God calling things that are not as though they are. I think it began with a young girl I met at church. She took a liking to me. I suppose she was 10 or somewhere in that age range. She actually seemed to like me. At any rate, I guess you could say I was “smitten” by this little girl. I spent time at church with her and even began going to church functions with her. Then one day, poof she was gone and that was the end of the relationship. I didn’t let on like it was a big deal, but it was. I began to feel things I certainly never felt before. Old habits die hard though and I quickly shut the door of my heart again.

Then the Lord brought my sister into my life. More chunks of the hard heart began to fall off. I think the real turning point for me though was the day in Sunday school I met Michelle and Red Headed Becky!!!! Michelle didn’t stay around as long as Becky did but the impact she had on my life was unbelievable. Michelle came from a more “liberal” persuasion than I did. She made some comments in class that intrigued me. I asked her about it after class and she told me to read a book “Blue Like Jazz”. I did and it changed my life. I began to question many of my long held, hard right political beliefs. I began to see things differently. I saw that God didn’t necessarily run ideas by the GOP or Rush Limbaugh before he implemented them.

President Obama's election was another major turning point for me. I was sitting at the counter in the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn in Gulfport watching the TV. CNN was on and there was a lady there who was shall we say “toasting” the democratic victory. I engaged her in conversation when I mentioned to her I was a conservative. Her whole attitude changed and in a flash I saw that I needed to quit with the political identification. I am conservative and I vote conservative but I no longer wear the political mantle of conservative GOP. I found out it is too divisive

I take Benji at her word. I do have a caring and compassionate heart. It’s just taken time to manifest itself.

Lord: If there is any of your tribe that needs a heart of compassion, it’s me. Help me to be like Jesus. When there are times I don’t see things properly, provide me another Michelle that can put me on the right track!