The subject of a hard heart is one I know about. The heart of stone is something I’ve struggled with all of my adult life. How does one go about breaking down a heart of stone?
In 1998 Benji Clark Mallory spoke at our church and gave everyone in the congregation a specific word from the Lord. It was a one in a lifetime experience for me. Here was a women I knew nothing about. She stood in front of me, looked me in the eye and began to “read my mail”. She spoke as if she had known me all my life. One of the things she spoke of was a hard heart. “God has given you a caring heart. You are compassionate and loving.” While Benji spoke of other things, this one thing has been a focal point for me over the years.
How does a heart of stone manifest itself in a person? In my case it was several areas. One area was for those who were less fortunate than I was. I would give money to causes but I had a rather superior attitude towards those who were unable to do the things I could do. This was especially true with homeless people. I had no use for people who would hold signs that say “will work for food.” They wouldn’t work for food, I tried to get them jobs but they wouldn’t take them. So I blew them off whenever they approached me.
A hard heart is an attitude that permeates everything you do. There is no compassion at work. If you were assigned a task and failed, you failed. There is no gray area. You either did or you didn’t. There were no excuses. Sports was the same way. You either won or you didn’t. There is no gray area. I took this attitude into my personal relationships. I had no tolerance for people and their foibles. I was not a nice person. I have no clue how or why my wife has stayed with me for as long as she has. As I look back, I was an intolerant person that was a bear to be around most of the time.
People that struggled with addictions was another place I was very critical. Personal relationships was another sore point for me. I was always ready to blow people off at a drop of the hat. “Well get over it” I would say when people had a problem they couldn’t deal with.
One area that was particularly difficult for me was children. I had no use for them. I didn’t like them, want them or want to be around them. I had no use for children. The where and why’s of this particular issue are being dealt with even as we speak (thank God for Angel Davis). Let’s just say my hard heart had no place for children.
I don’t know when I noticed a personal change. Benji announced it to the world before I knew anything about it. I guess it was like God calling things that are not as though they are. I think it began with a young girl I met at church. She took a liking to me. I suppose she was 10 or somewhere in that age range. She actually seemed to like me. At any rate, I guess you could say I was “smitten” by this little girl. I spent time at church with her and even began going to church functions with her. Then one day, poof she was gone and that was the end of the relationship. I didn’t let on like it was a big deal, but it was. I began to feel things I certainly never felt before. Old habits die hard though and I quickly shut the door of my heart again.
Then the Lord brought my sister into my life. More chunks of the hard heart began to fall off. I think the real turning point for me though was the day in Sunday school I met Michelle and Red Headed Becky!!!! Michelle didn’t stay around as long as Becky did but the impact she had on my life was unbelievable. Michelle came from a more “liberal” persuasion than I did. She made some comments in class that intrigued me. I asked her about it after class and she told me to read a book “Blue Like Jazz”. I did and it changed my life. I began to question many of my long held, hard right political beliefs. I began to see things differently. I saw that God didn’t necessarily run ideas by the GOP or Rush Limbaugh before he implemented them.
President Obama's election was another major turning point for me. I was sitting at the counter in the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn in Gulfport watching the TV. CNN was on and there was a lady there who was shall we say “toasting” the democratic victory. I engaged her in conversation when I mentioned to her I was a conservative. Her whole attitude changed and in a flash I saw that I needed to quit with the political identification. I am conservative and I vote conservative but I no longer wear the political mantle of conservative GOP. I found out it is too divisive
I take Benji at her word. I do have a caring and compassionate heart. It’s just taken time to manifest itself.
Lord: If there is any of your tribe that needs a heart of compassion, it’s me. Help me to be like Jesus. When there are times I don’t see things properly, provide me another Michelle that can put me on the right track!
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