Whiter than Snow – Grace and a clean heart

This week’s reading hits on the primary question I’ve been dealing with over the last nine years, my heart. I’ve had a heart problem for far longer than that, but only in the last nine years have I been aware of it. Psalm 139 speaks to the issue:

Psalm 139:23-24 (The Message) Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.

This is an open ended invitation from David to God to tell him what God already knows, the condition of David’s heart. I did as David did and this same prayer came out of my lips as an open invitation to God to show me where my heart was off center. At the time, I had no clue there was a problem. There was though and the last nine years of my life have been a difficult journey to learn what God already knew. This has been a good journey although it has not always been smooth!

Fast-forward to today. After nine years on “heart highway”, what does the view look like? Well it isn’t a full field of wheat. Yet it's not a moonscape either. I’m thinking it doesn’t look like a field at all. Perhaps that’s one of the error’s I’ve made along the way is to look at my heart like a field. I’m from Indiana and when you say field, I get a specific picture in my mind. The problem with my picture is my heart isn’t like that. The cornfields I am thinking of were consistent throughout. There was always seasonal growth, but the entire field was in the same stage of growth. The corn may not be fully mature, but every stalk in the field was in the same stage of growth. Not so with my heart. My heart is a field of pockets of growth. Some pockets are fully mature and others are a mass of weeds. Other pockets are in some recognizable stage of growth while some are unrecognizable. Such is the view of my heart today.

The primary question that arises for me is simple. What happens to your heart when you become a Christian?

Second Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

What is Paul talking about? My heart isn’t new, its not the same as it was, but it’s not new either and neither has the old passed away as we can all testify to. It stubbornly hangs around and makes life miserable at times. At times I win, at times I lose and at times I take a “Walk” and get a free pass. I understand the new creation. I have experienced that. What about my heart? Why is the garbage still there? Has there been something I should have done but didn’t do? What is the deal here?

I don’t know the answer to the question or I would tell you. I have experienced growth in my life and changes. Yet when I see what’s left I cringe.

As the old hymn states: My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and HIS righteousness! I don’t know the answer to the question and may never know. That’s ok … (I think).

Lord: When I see what’s left to be done, don’t let me fall into despair but to trust in you and your Word trusting only in your righteousness.

Heart of Stone

The subject of a hard heart is one I know about. The heart of stone is something I’ve struggled with all of my adult life. How does one go about breaking down a heart of stone?

In 1998 Benji Clark Mallory spoke at our church and gave everyone in the congregation a specific word from the Lord. It was a one in a lifetime experience for me. Here was a women I knew nothing about. She stood in front of me, looked me in the eye and began to “read my mail”. She spoke as if she had known me all my life. One of the things she spoke of was a hard heart. “God has given you a caring heart. You are compassionate and loving.” While Benji spoke of other things, this one thing has been a focal point for me over the years.

How does a heart of stone manifest itself in a person? In my case it was several areas. One area was for those who were less fortunate than I was. I would give money to causes but I had a rather superior attitude towards those who were unable to do the things I could do. This was especially true with homeless people. I had no use for people who would hold signs that say “will work for food.” They wouldn’t work for food, I tried to get them jobs but they wouldn’t take them. So I blew them off whenever they approached me.

A hard heart is an attitude that permeates everything you do. There is no compassion at work. If you were assigned a task and failed, you failed. There is no gray area. You either did or you didn’t. There were no excuses. Sports was the same way. You either won or you didn’t. There is no gray area. I took this attitude into my personal relationships. I had no tolerance for people and their foibles. I was not a nice person. I have no clue how or why my wife has stayed with me for as long as she has. As I look back, I was an intolerant person that was a bear to be around most of the time.

People that struggled with addictions was another place I was very critical. Personal relationships was another sore point for me. I was always ready to blow people off at a drop of the hat. “Well get over it” I would say when people had a problem they couldn’t deal with.

One area that was particularly difficult for me was children. I had no use for them. I didn’t like them, want them or want to be around them. I had no use for children. The where and why’s of this particular issue are being dealt with even as we speak (thank God for Angel Davis). Let’s just say my hard heart had no place for children.

I don’t know when I noticed a personal change. Benji announced it to the world before I knew anything about it. I guess it was like God calling things that are not as though they are. I think it began with a young girl I met at church. She took a liking to me. I suppose she was 10 or somewhere in that age range. She actually seemed to like me. At any rate, I guess you could say I was “smitten” by this little girl. I spent time at church with her and even began going to church functions with her. Then one day, poof she was gone and that was the end of the relationship. I didn’t let on like it was a big deal, but it was. I began to feel things I certainly never felt before. Old habits die hard though and I quickly shut the door of my heart again.

Then the Lord brought my sister into my life. More chunks of the hard heart began to fall off. I think the real turning point for me though was the day in Sunday school I met Michelle and Red Headed Becky!!!! Michelle didn’t stay around as long as Becky did but the impact she had on my life was unbelievable. Michelle came from a more “liberal” persuasion than I did. She made some comments in class that intrigued me. I asked her about it after class and she told me to read a book “Blue Like Jazz”. I did and it changed my life. I began to question many of my long held, hard right political beliefs. I began to see things differently. I saw that God didn’t necessarily run ideas by the GOP or Rush Limbaugh before he implemented them.

President Obama's election was another major turning point for me. I was sitting at the counter in the lobby of the Hilton Garden Inn in Gulfport watching the TV. CNN was on and there was a lady there who was shall we say “toasting” the democratic victory. I engaged her in conversation when I mentioned to her I was a conservative. Her whole attitude changed and in a flash I saw that I needed to quit with the political identification. I am conservative and I vote conservative but I no longer wear the political mantle of conservative GOP. I found out it is too divisive

I take Benji at her word. I do have a caring and compassionate heart. It’s just taken time to manifest itself.

Lord: If there is any of your tribe that needs a heart of compassion, it’s me. Help me to be like Jesus. When there are times I don’t see things properly, provide me another Michelle that can put me on the right track!

Wisdom in the secret heart

Psalm 51:6 NASB: Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

If you take a look at the Hebrew definitions from Strong’s you get the following definitions: firmness, faithfulness, truth; sureness, reliability; stability, continuance; faithfulness, reliableness; truth; as spoken; of testimony and judgment; of divine instruction; truth as a body of ethical or religious knowledge; true doctrine.

Had I read this and thought about this particular verse a few years ago I would have thought that God was looking at my heart and hoping He would find truth there.

Today, I don’t think that. I believe God is coming to me and telling me He wants to put truth in my inner heart. He desires that my heart have truth inserted into it, because my heart is full of anything but truth.

We know from this psalm and other scriptures that the human heart is capable of anything. I read the other day of a young woman in New York who adopted a foreign child. She was a good woman and so badly wanted to be a mother. The adoption was difficult and one day she snapped and beat the two year old badly. The next day, she died. The mother who’s hopes and dreams were so high is now serving 25 years in prison for this crime. After things had settled down, and people were able to talk about it, no one had any idea how such a nice person with such high hopes and potential could do such a horrible thing.

The Bible knows. The Scriptures go to great lengths to explain to us this very situation and the cure. The cure is to pour the water of God’s word into your heart. People don’t take this seriously. I have dabbled at it for years but only in the last year have I begun to understand the impact of God’s Word. There is nothing else I can do that will have the impact on my life that pouring God’s Word into my heart will have.

Jesus ministered to two women in the Gospel of John. In John 4 there is the woman at the well. In John 8 is the story of the woman caught in adultery. Both women were caught in virtually the same problem. Jesus spoke extensively with the woman at the well. He told her about rivers of living water in the human heart. The other woman was not condemned but simply told “go and sin no more”. We are told the woman at the well went and came back. The other woman simply left. I wonder if “go and sin no more” was enough for her? I think the first woman caught on to the program by asking “where can I get this water”. I don’t know that the second woman received the same type of revelation. I hope so, but I don’t know that she did.

The key to all three situations is pouring the water into your heart. David and both women in John needed to have truth in their hearts. The only way to get it is through the word. There is no other way.

Lord: Help me to not look at the desperate situation of my heart, but let me be like the woman at the well whose sin was great yet so desired for the water that would be rivers of living water in her soul. I want to spend time in your word and receive secret instruction in my heart Lord.

A broken heart

I am afraid of a broken heart.  A broken heart as I see it defined in verse 17 is scary to me.  Here is a sample of the Hebrew meaning as given by Strong's concordance:

to break, break in pieces; break, break in or down, rend violently, wreck, crush, quench; to break, rupture'; to be broken, be maimed, be crippled, be wrecked; to be broken, be crushed; to shatter, break; to cause to break out, bring to the birth; to be broken, be shattered .

Contrite on the other hand means:

caused by or showing sincere remorse; filled with a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement; penitent: a contrite sinner.

I can relate to contrite.  I can't relate to broken heart.  Yet it appears from the psalm that God requires both.  It's not an either or proposition.  You must be contrite and have a broken heart.

I've thought about that for quite a while.  I've thought about times my heart was broken and crushed.  I've thought about the pain that experience brought to my life.  There was nothing about any of it that was good.  Yet we have God's word in Romans 8 that He will bring something good out of it.  I have His word in verse 17 that he requires it of me.

So  here I sit.  I don't know what to do.  My heart has been sufficiently insulated from the breath of life for so long, it's difficult to imagine anything else.  Yet in the last year, I've begun the process of opening my heart to experience the full range of emotions God has gifted us with.  There are times I think I'm making progress.  There are other times I am regressing.  There are times I'm doing nothing.  The overall direction is good and I'm not seeing the same scenery all the time, so I know I'm not going in circles!  But this broken heart thing ... I don't know about that.

Lord:  I don't know what to do with this broken heart thing.  I don't know how to communicate what I feel at the deepest level about the things that are important.  Please help me!

What does it have to do with me?

As I read this weeks lesson, I must confess, I didn't like it.  At least I didn't like it the first couple of times I read it.  Then I prayed "Lord what is there in here for me to see?".  Then I read it again.  There was no epiphany but I did see me in the lesson.  I saw someone looking for hope in difficult times.  I saw someone looking for friendship.  I saw someone dealing with sin and looking for a way out.  So I guess you could say without a doubt, I saw me in the story.

As I thought about Jesus as depicted in this short writing, I wanted to focus in on the single most significant event in His life that I could reach out and hold on to.  It wasn't the storm stories.  It wasn't the miraculous feedings.  It wasn't any of the healing stories.  It is the story of Jairus in Mark 5.  The New Living Translation tells us that Jairus went to Jesus out of desperation:  ... pleading with him to heal his little daughter. "She is about to die," he said in desperation. "Please come and place your hands on her; heal her so she can live."

Somehow (for me at least) everything about living and walking with Jesus is in this story.  This little story runs the gamut of emotions you will face in whatever desperate situation you find yourself.  He's facing the loss of his loved one, Jesus delay's in coming.  The loved one dies and so the emotion of dealing with that knowledge is hammering away at him.  All hope is gone.  He suffers in silence.  Jesus tells him to believe and yet nothing around him provides any hope.  She's dead, the family is wailing and crying in uncontrollable grief.  Then the cynical laughter.  They all laughed at him KNOWING she was dead.  Then the unbelievable Joy of an undeserved gift of grace from God.

I have recently been attending a local 12 step recovery group.  Angel suggested it would be good for me to attend so I can see and hear others stories of struggle and redemption.  I've attended three meetings and I've heard of a wonderful God that is working with people in desperate situations.  People reaching out to God for help and he answers.  I see smiles and struggles.  I see hope and silence.  There have been as many as 35 and as few as 14 that have attended.  I have not spoken, but have listened.  My purpose was to listen and learn, not talk.  So I have listened.  When I reflect on the three meetings I've attended, I can see in the room I'm in the stories written on the pages of this week's lesson.  If Jesus were physically present, He would have been right in the middle of this group and they would have responded to Him with unbridled joy and laughter and He would have enjoyed being there.  He would have looked around the room and those there would have had hope.

Yesterday Julia came home from Krogers and came to tell me of her encounter with "Cheeseburger" and his owner.  She told of seeing him when she came out of Krogers.  She stopped to talk to him and Cheeseburger wagged his tail and came over to her right away.  Julia spoke of how her heart ached for them.  She went inside to purchase some treats to give to Cheeseburger.  When she came out though, he was gone.  She told me with tears in her eyes that she so wanted to find them.  She prayed and asked God to help her find them.  She drove around and did find them.  When she came up with the treats, the man said with a big smile on his face, "Cheeseburger, look what you are getting!"  Of course Cheeseburger was happy and so was Julia.  He asked her to remember them in prayer.  (The owner, not "Cheeseburger")

I saw "Cheeseburger" and his owner in the this weeks lesson.  I saw Julia in this weeks lesson.  I see Andy in this weeks lesson.  I see my need for a heart that is touched by the needs of others.  I saw Jesus in Julia as he reached out to a homeless man and his dog.  I saw Jesus as he wept for them standing in my living room with tears running down his cheeks.

So, what does it have to do with me?  Everything!

Lord:  I pray for "Cheeseburger" and his owner.  Provide for them their needs for today.  Provide for him a warm bed and good hot food for today.  Protect them from evil and send more people like Julia to touch them for you.  Help me to learn of you Lord through those you send in my path.  Forgive me for hardness of heart Lord.  I don't want to be that way!

Enough already ….

The dictionary definition of enough is:  "as much or as many as necessary, desirable, or tolerable; sufficient".

This week the author talks about enough.  What is enough?  In my book, there are two uses for the word:

The first usage is:  I've had enough.  Don't want no more, nada,  nyet,  nine .... nuff  is nuff.  When used in this manner, I think of politics.  I've had enough.
The second usage is:  I can't get enough.  I want more.  I don't need more, but I want more.  When used in this manner, I think of Cynthia's  pork roast at the church dinners.

When I apply this to David I can see both usages very clearly.  I don't know what David thought  of but I'm going to jump into  his shoes for a moment and place myself  in his situation and tell you what I see.

I've had enough guilt.  I can't take any more.

I've had  enough lying and deceit.  I've killed a man to  cover up my crime.  Not  good Andy.   I've had enough.

I've  had enough sex.  A man can only do so  much.  Why is this such an issue?  I can have as many women as I want when I want  them.  It isn't working though.  Why?  Enough already.

I've had enough of feeling like dirt.  I hate feeling like dirt, but I do.

As I think about his situation these are the  thoughts I believe I would struggle with.  However, David does something I haven't done and quite frankly have trouble doing.  David goes to God WITH CONFIDENCE.  I go to God, but not with the confidence David does.  Listen to what He says in Psalm 27:5-8:

He will surely give me shelter in the day of danger; he will hide me in his home; he will place me on an inaccessible rocky summit.  Now I will triumph over my enemies who surround me!  I will offer sacrifices in his dwelling place and shout for joy!  I will sing praises to the Lord!  Hear me, O Lord, when I cry out!  Have mercy on me and answer me!  My heart tells me to pray to you, and I do pray to you, O Lord.

I tend to give up where David pressed on.  Hebrews 10:39 in the Message:  But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.  God said David was a man after his own heart.  Perhaps that was because David didn't quit, not because he got it right all the time.

Lord:  I'm right up there with David.  "I am the Man".  Help  me to turn to you for help  in a time of trouble.   Help me to trust in what you've done not what I have or haven't done.  I've had enough running and being scared of you.  I haven't had enough of your grace, love and mercy.  Help me to press on when I don't want to.  Help me Lord to walk with you when it looks like I can't go on.

Building Walls ….

I am in the middle of a difficult business trip.  I am working and training with a new colleague that will be taking over the western region.  I haven't had as much time as I wanted to read and think through the weeks lesson.  But the lesson this week is on walls.  Actually the subject is building walls.

Walls can do several things for you.

1. It can keep people out, providing protection from your enemies.
2. It can keep you in, trapping you in a prison.
3. It can integrate into your life as a part of the living structure you occupy providing support, protection and beauty if it is built properly.

When I think of Psalm 51 and the story of David and Bathsheba, I don't usually think of walls.  I think of open spaces, places where there were no walls.  Bathsheba wasn't behind a wall or David wouldn't have seen her.  David wasn't behind a wall or he wouldn't have known she was bathing.  Yet it's clear a wall developed that blocked David from seeing the impact of what he was doing on his relationship to God and others.

I started thinking about the walls I've built in my life.  With the wisdom my years provide me, I picture myself sitting in a courtyard looking around and seeing the edifices of my life and taking stock of the situation.  Some of the walls were built as a young man when it was necessary to try to protect myself from those trying to hurt me, or at least those I perceived as trying to hurt me.  These walls are ugly, not well constructed and they don't need to be there.  They need to come down, at least what is left of them.  They're not as tall as they used to be and they really don't serve any useful function because they couldn't keep a rabbit out of the courtyard of my life.  But still, the remnants of those walls are there, scaring the landscape of my life.

Then as I take a further look, I see walls I've intentionally built over the  years that were part of the same mindset I had as a youth.  These were walls I built to keep people away from seeing the courtyard of my life.  When I look at these walls, the first thing I notice is there is no symmetry to them.  They are not well thought out,  being built with no thought of the total structure of my home.  They're just random walls.  How ugly!  These puppies must go!!!!!

So  as I sit in my courtyard looking around, I notice the sun is high in the sky, well past noon.  If I don't get these walls taken care of,  it will be dark soon and I won't have a chance to rebuild a useful and beautiful structure.  I smile as I think of the work ahead.  I want to build a beautiful structure so when I'm gone, and people look at it, they will enjoy what they saw.  But it's obvious from the efforts I've put forth to  build what I have, that I don't know squat about building walls!  I'm going to need help.

As I think about this further, I remember that someone told me about a carpenter that is really good at building beautiful structures.  Now what was His name?????