Whiter Than Snow - Week 18

Ps 51:16 For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.


I wish I would live with you in view

Eyes to your Glory

Ears to your wisdom

Heart for your Grace

But I live with me in view



These 5 lines and this particular verse capture my heart as it has been changed in the last 12 months. I relate very strongly to these words. I think I could write an entire book on this weeks lesson and what it means to me, but I won’t. Let me just concentrate on these verses.

When I read this scripture, I’m reminded that God is not a God of lists and to do’s. I don’t have to perform for him, and He doesn’t want me trying. This is a huge thing for me. I learned at a very young age that performance was the key indicator of social health! If you didn’t perform at an expected level, you were punished for it. More importantly when you did manage to get it right and perform at the expected level, no one ever praised you for it, because that’s what you were expected to do. This put me in the position where I had to perform at a certain level just to stay accepted. This is what I learned as a young man. Naturally I carried this with me into adulthood. It wasn’t a bad thing to be striving to hit high performance as a young man in my 20’s. I was a super achiever at work. I worked all the time of course, but that’s ok, I was making progress, or so I thought. It didn’t work for me at any time, I just didn’t know it. The bar kept moving and I kept chasing it. It was always just out of reach, so I would work harder, longer and still I never got there. Now fast forward to today. I can see the problem very clearly and I don’t want to continue down the same path. The only problem is I don’t know HOW to not do what I’ve done for so many years. I don’t know how to NOT work 60 - 70 hour weeks. I don’t know how to take a rest and relax anymore. My idea of time off during the day is only working 8 hours! God doesn’t expect that of me, Julia doesn’t expect it of me, no one I know expects it of me. Who is it then that is driving this? People I knew 40 years ago. People who were heavy task masters as a young boy, it is they who drive my performance today. 40 years is the number of years the Israelites stumbled through the desert. 40 years is the number of years Moses stayed in the desert. 40 Years is the number of years I have been running from people who have long since died and are out of my life. 40 years I have been trying to perform for people that set unreasonable goals for me and set standards that were unattainable. I think it’s time to stop chasing the magic bean and cross over into the promised land. I don’t want to see this side of the mountain again!

I wish I would live with you in view

After I had the bad experience in Chicago I thought to myself many times, “I wish I could sit down at the kitchen table with just Jesus and I and have a cup of coffee and just talk with Him”. Then slowly I realized that I had the chance to do that every day with Julia. She is part of the body of Christ. She is Jesus in this world. If I listen closely then I can hear Him speak in her words. They are not always words I want to hear, but words I NEED to hear. They are spoken in love with the intent of helping me. So what I thought was an unreachable goal was before me every day, I just needed eyes to see and ears to hear. Our former lay leader captured this idea very clearly when he stated, “It’s amazing how many times the Holy Spirit sounds like my wife Joy!”

Concerning the eyes, ears and grace of God, I realize I have that as well through the body of Christ. I need to be more open to how God may well speak to me through others. This last Sunday we had 23 people in our class. That is the most I remember in any one class in 20 years of Gateway. As I sat there and looked around I saw people I love dearly and have shared many an intimate moment with in other classes such as these. I see God in this class. I’ve seen great hurt and pain that has been shared and worked on and through in many of the members of the class. How could I ask for more from God? I’ve seen Him at work on a regular basis in the lives of our classmates. I’ve seen and heard God on a weekly basis. That in and of itself is quite incredible. I’m reminded of a verse in John’s gospel:

John 14:9 Jesus replied, Have I been with all of you for so long a time, and do you not recognize {and} know Me yet, Philip? Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father. How can you say then, Show us the Father?

Philip was like Andy or Andy is like Philip, depending on your point of view. Philip was looking for God to do something beyond the obvious, something spectacular. The idea that you would be able to see God by watching someone you know was really a foreign concept to Philip. My desire to meet God at the kitchen table has been answered a thousand times by Julia. There have been times I sat at the kitchen table with other Christian friends and unknowingly “Talked with God” and He has spoken to me through the lives of these fellow Ambassadors. That is quite amazing when you think about it!